Rape is devastating to its victims. I feel
as if this statement should stand alone, underlined and in bold typeface.
It is crucial that we, as a society, come to a deep understanding and awareness
of this message. For that reason, I will state it again:
Thirty percent of rape victims will contemplate suicide. Slightly
more will seek therapy. Slightly less will invest in some form of
self-defense. The overwhelming majority, 82%, will tell you that
their lives have been permanently changed. The way they view men
will be permanently changed as well (Warshaw 66). Forty-one
percent of victims go through life believing every day that they will
be raped again (Warshaw 64). Therefore, it is of the utmost importance
that we do what we can to spread knowledge of this crime, protect its victims,
prosecute its perpetrators, and prevent it from ever happening again.
Acquaintance rape, sometimes called date rape, is the most common form of this crime. Yet, until the 1980s, it was virtually unheard of (Warshaw 2). We believed that rape was fairly rare. When it did take place, we wrongfully assumed that the victim was an idealized virginal school girl and that her attacker was a ruthless and depraved psychopath, armed and lurking in the shadows (Warshaw 14). This image needs to be destroyed. Rape is common. One in four women will be raped during her lifetime. Current statistics say that a woman is raped every four seconds in this country (Anderson 213). These women will be assaulted by people they know, most often by people they trust. They will be disbelieved when they tell their story. They will be thought of as “sluts” instead of victims. They will be told they were asking for it. They will die inside.
We can help. We can find out what victims’ legal options are, and if we act together, we can improve those options. We can support local shelters and hotlines. We can support our loved ones should they be hurt, directly or indirectly, by this crime. We can disseminate the truth so that no one can claim ignorance of the fact that rape is devastating.
So what is the truth about rape? In 1996, 362 rapes were reported in Tucson, Arizona. Three times that, 974 rapes were reported in the state of Arizona during that time period (Koss 1). Government estimates find that three to ten rapes are committed for every one reported (Warshaw 12). That means almost 10,000 women were raped in Arizona in one year. Evidence obtained by crisis hotlines and outreach programs suggests that these figures are extremely low. Moreover, 84% of these victims knew and trusted their attackers (Koss 6). Have I got your attention?
Destroy your preconceptions and social myths. Women are not raped by strangers. No one deserves to be raped. No one. Nothing you say or do can be considered “asking for it.” No means no, even when you are wearing your sexiest clothes, drinking, kissing, or being a flirt. Once you have said no, it is rape. Even if you find yourself paralyzed, even if you do not fight back, it is still rape. It is not your fault, and you do not need to feel guilty for not fighting back. A rapist is a rapist, whether he/she has a gun, a knife or just the check from dinner or from the bar. If you allow someone to buy you dinner, you do not owe them. Agreeing to kissing is not the same as agreeing to sex. There must be mutual consent every step of the way. Men can stop after being physically aroused. There is no such thing as a point of no return. Most importantly, women do not make these stories up to get attention (Warshaw 19).
Know the risks. The age group between 16 and 24 is four times as likely to be raped as any other group. Members of that same age group who attend a college or university show a substantial increase in their chances to be victimized. In fact, Samuel Rubenzahl recently found that 24% of college men admitted committing acquaintance rape based on a broad definition including use of psychological abuse and threatened physical violence. You might disregard this, saying that the definition was too broad, but fully 10% of college men admitted to assault with an extremely “stringent” definition that included both threats of physical violence and actual physical abuse (Rubenzahl 713).
Moreover, your school may not be providing accurate information about these crimes. Remember, most rapes go unreported. Furthermore, the administration may be under a lot of pressure to present a pretty picture to students and parents. For this same reason, you and your parents may be guilty of creating an “awareness vacuum” in which everyone tries to ignore the realities of college life and the tremendous social pressure college students are under (Warshaw 168).
Do not become desensitized to the issue. Regardless of what your television set has told you, violence is not glamorous. Soap operas are wrong. The determined man who will not take no for an answer is not the guy of your dreams. Sit-coms are wrong. It is not okay to slap somebody or in any way physically or mentally abuse them just to get your point across. Movies are wrong. Scarlet O’Hara should have walked out on Rhett Butler the minute he raised his hand to her (Warshaw 95).
Learn to communicate. That goes for both men and women. Women, learn to say no clearly and effectively, and keep saying it until he gets it. Do not be coy. Do not hint. Studies show he is unlikely to understand your veiled comments (Warshaw 154). Men, learn that yes must be a verbal go-ahead. It cannot be signaled by her dressing seductively, agreeing to let you buy dinner, or consuming alcohol at any time during the date (Warshaw 41).
Linguistically, men are encouraged to think of women as commodities and sex as an achievement. Men have even been tricked into objectifying their own bodies. When a man can think of his penis as a separate entity with wants and needs that he can isolate from his own rational and moral system, he can commit horrible acts of violence against women because the separate entity does not know right from wrong (Warshaw 93). Justification becomes easy. Let us learn that both men and women are more than the sum of their distinctive parts.
If you need to learn how to better communicate, attend
an education program held by a local crisis center.
In southern Arizona, you can call the Tucson Rape Crisis Center, Our Town,
the University of Arizona Oasis Center for Sexual Assault and Relationship
Violence, and the Associated Students of the University of Arizona Campus
Acquaintance Rape Educators for information concerning educational opportunities.
Together, they were able to educate 7,216 people in 1996. All of
the Arizona crisis centers were able to educate just over twenty-three
thousand people that year (Koss 9).
Do not be afraid to join these people in learning what you can do to
reduce the risk of rape for yourself and those around you.
Reduce the risk that you might be raped. Do not be a safe victim. Women are raped much more often than men because they feel they need to be passive. We need to destroy age-old sex roles that teach young girls the wrong things. As Robin Warshaw writes, “Girls are thus taught what is basically a good lesson - that sexuality should occur within the context of a loving relationship - for a bad reason - that is, because as defenseless women they need men to support and protect them. Sex is understood to be the medium of exchange they will use to secure that protection.” (Warshaw 54). Acknowledge that our history is patriarchal. Understand that our future does not have to be. Teach this to our children until equality of the sexes is part of our social fabric - so much so that such lessons as Warshaw describes are nonexistent.
Avoid bad relationship choices. Some of us just seem to be a magnet for all those abusive guys out there, but there are some warning signs to watch out for. Get away from emotionally abusive, controlling, jealous, violent, and intimidating men. Avoid him if he makes generally negative comments about women. Avoid him if he drinks too much, uses too many drugs, or tries to bully you into drinking too much or using too many drugs. Avoid him if he does not view you as an equal (Warshaw 152). If you think you deserve such men, work on your self-esteem.
Do not engage in deliberately risky behavior. Avoid drinking too much or using too many drugs. A study released in January, says 6% of sexually active young women are knowingly taking Rohypnol, a date rape drug, for its relatively inexpensive high (Henderson 8). Try to stay in control of the situation. Try to keep someone you trust near you at social gatherings. Remember that these risky behaviors increase your chance of being raped. However, if you are assaulted, it is still a crime. Blaming yourself will only lead to more pain and suffering.
Learn what to do in case you are victimized. Understand
the victim reaction cycle. Denial is the first
stage of the reaction cycle. Many victims begin denying that they
are being raped even in the midst of the crime. Denial may include
rationalizing the situation during its occurrence or repressing the rape
for years (Warshaw 54). Repression can lead to sudden panic attacks
even when your present situation has little or nothing to do with the circumstances
surrounding your assault. One victim, Nancy Raine, author of After
Silence: Rape and My Journey Back, became so paralyzed by these attacks
that only
intensive treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder was able to
save her sanity, life and
marriage (Foege 185). Understand
that for healing to happen, you must acknowledge the crime.
Raine learned this lesson the hard way, but she is speaking out so you
do not have to.
Stage 2 occurs during the rape when you feel that
you are no longer connected to the situation. This is a disassociation
reaction. Don’t panic!
It is a protective reaction, and it may help you remember crucial elements
during the later investigation and trial (should you choose to pursue the
assailant), although it may slow down your reactions at the time
(Warshaw 55).
The third stage is self-blame (Warshaw 57). Two types of self-blame have been found to affect rape victims. You may try to find some fault in your character or feel betrayed by your own judgment. On the other hand , you may blame yourself for your behavior preceding the assault, maybe by telling yourself you should not have had that drink or worn that dress (Arrata 62). These thoughts may even make you feel ashamed to tell your story. If you allow this to happen, you will become the safe victim. Do not passively accept the blame. It is not your fault. If you cannot move out of this stage, see a mental health professional as soon as possible. Studies have shown that high rates of self-blame are correlated with high rates and intensities of post-traumatic stress disorder (Arrata 63).
In the fourth stage, you will begin to second guess yourself. You will ignore your inner feelings, the “little voice” inside your head (Warshaw 58). Trust your instincts. If a situation feels bad, get out.
In the fifth stage, you will become angry at yourself for not fighting back. Even if you put up a struggle, it will not be enough to make yourself feel good in the aftermath. In all honesty, it is very unlikely that a victim will be able to fight off an attacker once the rape has begun (Warshaw 60-61). Rapists choose women that they can overpower. This is not to say you should not try to fight back, but you cannot blame yourself for the outcome. Again, it is not your fault.
During stage 6, you may convince yourself it is better to forget the whole thing and not report the crime (Warshaw 62). You will be wrong. Even if you face criticism from the police department, demand the right to make a report. Every bit of documentation will help bring your attacker to justice. This will most likely be painful for you. Try to remind yourself that if you do not make the effort, if you say you would rather just forget, you leave the door open for the rapist to strike again. We must all make the effort to protect one another against this crime.
Unfortunately, the final stage is that of becoming a victim again. Forty-two percent of women report they had sex again with the man who assaulted them (Warshaw 63). No matter how painful, you have to admit to yourself that it is not your fault, you did not misunderstand the situation, and you need to get out. Leave abusive relationships before it happens again.
Know what to do after the rape. First, have faith in yourself. Do not start to blame yourself. Stay away from the victim reaction cycle. You were right. He was wrong. End of story.
Tell somebody. It does not have to be a police officer at first. Just tell somebody. Call a friend or a loved one. Find someone you trust. Call a rape crisis hotline. Do not try to go it alone. You do not have to be strong. You are not alone. Do not punish yourself for someone else’s crime.
Get medical help. Have a doctor treat any injuries you may have sustained as well as check for pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. This is also your chance to request an examination for the purpose of gathering evidence (Warshaw 186). The “rape kit” is crucial if you want to press charges. Victims have only 72 hours to have legal medical evidence collected (Anderson 213). It may seem overwhelming, but you do not have to go it alone. Feel free to bring a friend or loved one with you.
Realize that recovery may take a few days to a few months. As author Nancy Raine writes, “It’s an injury to your mind and spirit as well as a physical injury,” (Foege 185). Do not attempt to return to work or school right away. Give yourself time to play through the emotional rollercoaster (Warshaw187). Feel angry. It’s okay. Feel frightened, insecure, depressed, betrayed and grief-stricken too. They’re also okay. Try to avoid guilt. Remember, it is not your fault. But above all, let yourself feel. Counseling, learning more about rape, and talking to other women who have shared your experience are all good ways to help yourself recover (Warshaw 188).
If you are not recovering, see a trained mental health professional. Studies have shown that some victims do go on to experience chronic stress disorders (Arrata 62). These need to be treated professionally.
Maybe you are lucky enough never to have faced rape.
Maybe no one you love has been assaulted. Even so, you have the power
to do something about these problems. Please realize that justice is not
for all, and it will not be until we can change public opinion enough to
change the rate of rape convictions
in this country. United States' courts are only
likely to convict a rapist if the scenario confirms public preconceptions
(Warshaw 138). University judicial boards are not much better (Warshaw
148). Juries cannot keep discounting rape cases in which the victim
knew his/her assailant if we are to
continue to claim our legal system works.
The good news is that we have the power to change this. Get out and vote. Write your representatives. Support bills that support victims and/or crack down on perpetrators such as the Violence Against Women Act, the Victims of Crime Act, and the recent proposal by Representative Sheila Jackson-Lee (Democrat, Texas) that would raise the maximum penalties for possession of GHB and Ketamine, two common drugs used by date rapists to incapacitate their victims (Dervarics 6). Protest legislation that cuts funding to shelters and prevention programs. Make a difference.
If you are not so lucky as to have been untouched by this crime, you can still help. Speak out. Share your story. You have the power to make someone else feel less alone. You have the power to make a person think before they go too far. You have the power to begin to change public opinion for the better.
In that regard, I would like the last part of this
webpage to detail how rape has touched my life. Someone who is very
close to me was raped by her boyfriend when she was 14 years old.
The abuse went on only as long as her silence did. She "came out"
about her experience with this poem. With her permission and blessings,
we give this poem to all other victims out there. Even if you are
afraid to share your name, do not hesitate to share your story. Anonymous
or not, united we can stop being
victims and start being survivors.
I know that the statistics and stories I have shared on this page can be overwhelming. Your instinct will be to turn away. I hope that you overcome that instinct and go out to share what you have learned from this. Go out and help someone who has been touched by this crime. Volunteer at a crisis center, write a letter to your representative, tell your story to someone who needs to know they are not alone, or simply use whatever you got out of this page to protect yourself and those you love from this devastating ordeal.
-Amy Owen-
<aowen@u.arizona.edu>
Return to the Women on the Border Page
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Anderson, Andrea. “’Don’t Scream, Miss Annie. Don’t Scream’.” American Family Physician 59 (1999): 213-215.
Arata, Catalina M. “Coping With Rape.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 14 (1999): 62-79.
Dervarics, Charles. “Date Rape, Hate Crimes May Get Hill Attention.” Black Issues in Higher Education 15 (1999): 6.
Foege, Alec and Jennifer Mendelsohn. “Silent No More.” People 50 (1998): 185-188.
Henderson, Alan. “Study: Women Using ‘Date Rape Drug’.” Women’s Health Weekly (01/11/99): 8.
Koss, Dr. Mary. Arizona Rape and Sexual Assault Surveillance Project.
December 1997. Online. Internet
http://www.u.arizona.edu/~sexasslt/text.html
28 March 1999.
Rubenzahl, Samuel A. “The Prevalence and Characteristics of Male
Perpetrators of Acquaintance Rape New Research
Methodology Reveals New Findings.” Violence
Against Women 4 (1998): 713-726.
Warshaw, Robin. I Never Called it Rape: The Ms. Report on Recognizing,
Fighting and Surviving Date and Acquaintance
Rape. New York: HarperCollins Publishers,
Inc., 1994.